How much do you (dis)like me

Despite all my best intentions in the past two years, to improve myself to 'be a better person', all evidence in recent days are showing that I have failed miserably.

This sucks.
I've been bawling my eyes out all day, except when H is around, then I try to put on a brave face, because I already bawled to him yesterday. The poor guy is being so patient with me.

I guess I have no one to blame but myself - and that's the part that hurts most.

Need to have thicker skin, I guess. Suck it up, and move on.


All this is my fault. Those who are close enough to know me as a friend would probably be spared the other side of me, but there is another side of me. A not very likeable side.

H and I were watching Suze Orman once, and she made a mention about how in reality, it is easier to love your partner than to like him/her.
I immediately turned to H and asked him if he likes me.
Poor guy caught off-guard; he hesitated, then said i love you.

ah. all the man-woman relationship rule book will tell you that such a pause, and missing-the-point are a suicidal combination.

I let it slide though. Not his fault.
The truth is, I don't think I'm likeable either.

At the moment, I have two people clearly putting me on their Dislike list.

One is personal - that hurt at first mainly because the person is someone I have all this while put on a pedestal; but I have done the best that I could to rectify the situation, but if he still cannot find the courtesy to even respond to my apology, then I consider myself the more adult (for he is some forty years older). What more can I do.

The other is professional - well, an inter-personal issue within my professional work. Again, I was clearly at fault, I was disrespectful - something I now realise I have a tendency of being. But I acknowledged accountability and have very humbly and sincerely apologised. Again my apology went completely ignored. What confuses me is that while yes I handled things very very poorly, I wasn't the only one at fault. But I am being singled out so blatantly. Word is starting to go around now around my circle of colleagues, so my reputation is soon to be at stake, if not already. That this person I offended is in one of the highest seat of authority (within the work that I do), means that this whole thing is capable of having a very real impact on my career.

Though the one thing about all this that upsets me most is having to face the truth about myself. H has been trying to be kind yet not lie, bless him. The hard truth is still this - as much as I want to be, I really am not a very nice person.

Ah, let me just bash myself down for a while until I get all this out of my system. It's just a process i need to go through. Hope to snap out of this soon. For now, am trying to drown myself with work (hah what work. it's all being taken away from me) to keep my thoughts occupied.

I am a cry-baby, so this sorrowful post is expected. Like i said. Need thicker skin.

The Unwelcome Person

Now I know why locking up this site is a good thing.

I can scream bloody murder whenever I want to and not care.


I am persona non grata.
nice.


I don't think this has ever happened to me before - to be completely and deliberately shun out and blacklisted. They do not want anything to do with me, and they've made that very clear.

Ouch. My bruised ego.
But more importantly, ouch, my bank account. I can't do any work in this country - as of now, almost all my projects are being sabotaged. Haven't been paid a cent since last October. Not good, not good.

Previously I was upset, with myself, for making such a 'mistake' that apparently has cost me so much.
But now I am just pissed off with them. Really pissed.