Day 4 of 26: super-me

Who would have thought, of all the things that could break me, it was finally the bookstore that drove me to tears.

H is away for 26 days and that leaves me single-parenting a 2.5 month old baby. Baby A is an easy baby, but he's still a baby. I'm playing superwoman, juggling so many things (two work deadlines this week alone). I surprise myself by being able to do it. There are moments where it feels like insanity is creeping in (day 4 of no substantial human contact - baby doesn't count. how would you fare?). But in general, I'm okay.

But when I decided to take the baby out in his stroller to go to the American Book Store in town here, the one bookstore that stocks decent selection of English books, I didn't expect to be reduced to tears. It's my hormones, I'm telling you. And why did I feel the need to cry? (ok so I didn't cry, but definitely teared up in frustration). Because I really, really wanted to get to the Stephen King section all the way at the back and the stroller wouldn't fit and I kept getting stuck at corners of the book aisle. I left the store without King.

I now have a whole new level of respect for single mothers.

p/s am looking for Stephen King's Colorado Kid.

Crazy Beautiful

The past year has been such a whirlwind. And I haven't even had a chance to reflect. Four months of sickness. Moving continents in the midst of all that. Two weeks upon arrival off I went again on not one but two assignments, one in Papua New Guinea, another in Bangkok. Had a glorious second trimester. Moved into a new home in The Hague, pretty much single-handedly handled the moving house and unpacking and supervising the furniture set-up. Gave birth to a whopping 3.8 kg baby boy. Parents came, parents went. All of that while managing a company and twelve employees and multiple projects running simultaneously. And now I'm adding on a long list of constant vigil, diaper changes, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, interrupted night sleep and navigating the stroller around town. I'm coping with motherhood, managing a career from home, with no domestic help and experiencing a whole life change with close to zero external support, in a new country, with a grand total of four people on my local contacts list.



Don't get me wrong though. Am absolutely loving it all. Just tired.

And a tad lonely.

I've always been okay being on my own. I don't need to have people around me all the time. In fact I tend to prefer to be on my own. But these past nine months have been overwhelming and I just need a little bit of, I don't know, 'contact'.

---

Did I mention I gave birth? Yeah. He's beautiful.

My mum's parting words at the airport came as a whisper in my ear, saying "You're a good mother".

It meant a lot that she said it. It meant the world.
But for once, I didn't actually need to hear it. After a lifelong of insecurities and self-criticism, I truly feared being a mother. But the very moment I held Adam in my arms, I knew. I just knew that I am a good mother. I question whether I am a good person. I worry about what people think of me, how they see me, what they say of me. But as a mother, I have no doubts. Heck I'm going to be an amazing mother.

Transfer

So now I have the brilliant idea of moving back all the existing posts in theharddrive back to this blog and keep it all here. excuse me while this blog is under (re)construction.

hey

so i'm back. sort of. let's see if i'll stay.

Crime of prejudice

The empowerment of women

My recent trip to Bangkok on a work assignment was an eye opener.
Without going into too much detail of the nature of the assignment, I'll just say that the work involved an in-depth discussion with a group of women who are living with HIV, and they were helping some of us researchers conduct a study about HIV-positive mothers' or expecting mothers' access to and quality of maternal and child health services in various countries in South East Asia.

There were a lot of things discussed that day. But two things hit me hard. The issues of forced termination of pregnancies and coerced sterilisation of HIV-positive women. The operative words being forced and coerced.

In so many of the countries we were surveying, the reports (albeit anecdotal) were the same. There are doctors and health care professionals who impose their own personal prejudices when attending to women who are  HIV-positive. This is despite beautiful national-level policies on maternal and child health programmes, and the prevention of HIV transmission from parent to child. What is on paper, documented as the 'official' government policy may not necessarily be translated into actual practice. Especially in the rural areas where in some of these countries literacy rates are low and the role of women in society is still highly oppressed. And often, in these settings, doctors are figures of authorities. Women seldom question the treatment or recommendations given to them by their health care providers. I can relate to that. A lot of times I find myself putting on so much trust in my doctor. If they say so, then it must be the best thing for me.

We received so many reports of medical professionals advising HIV-positive pregnant women to either a) terminate their pregnancies; or b) undergo sterilisation e.g. tubectomy/tubal ligation; or c) both. This is purely on the basis of the fact that the mother is HIV-positive. No discussions about the probabilities of actual transmission of HIV from mother-to-child, or the ways available to prevent or lower the likelihood of such transmission. What is worse, instead of presenting the mothers with these options, what is often done is that they are told that they are required to undergo these procedures in order to receive the free-of-charge health care services.
Despite the fact that the services should have been free-of-charge anyway.

It is shocking. At one point, when one of the women told us about one woman who was six-months pregnant, unsure about her HIV status (her husband is HIV-positive, she has not been tested), and the doctor gave her some 'medications' upon knowing that the woman's husband is HIV-positive. It was only when she showed the medication to her outreach worker was it discovered that the medication was an abortion inducer. Thank goodness she was taken to a different doctor and was taken off the pill immediately. She carried on her pregnancy and safely delivered.
But as I was hearing that, I felt like running out of the room and go cry in the toilet. Maybe its the hormones and being pregnant myself. It is just unthinkable. It is criminal. And yet it is going on.

I am not saying all doctors do this. It is a probably a very small number of incidences (though my numbers do tell me otherwise, in certain regions). And of course I have a lot of respect for all the selfless medical professionals who do such amazing work helping women go through safe deliveries.

Here are some bottom lines.

Yes HIV can be transmitted from mother-to-child.

But the probability of transmission (which is not high in the first place) can also be drastically reduced with proper measures that we call PMTCT (prevention of mother-to-child transmission), which involves treatment with antiretrovirals, the appropriate choice of delivery method, and the appropriate choice of infant feeding (either exclusively breast-feeding or exclusively formula feeding).

Parents should be informed of their options. And the decision should be theirs; they must give consent to whatever is done to their bodies and their child.

Blessings and gratitude

Stop and smell the flowers.

A week or so ago, as I was walking down the street from where we are currently living (a temporary home until we move in to a more permanent one), I caught myself humming and smiling.

My life is blessed.
Not for one moment do I ever forget that. Outwardly, it is always so easy to be expressive and vocal when things go wrong. The previous posts about my hyperemesis would be a case in point. But how often do we actually verbalise our gratitude and joy?

We must be careful not to mistake pride for gratitude though. It's all in the intent. Do we talk about how good life is as a means to keep up with the Joneses, or to be 'one up' over everyone else? In this day of over-sharing (and with that I am referring to Facebook status updates!), it is so easy to use that platform as a place where we brag and show off what we have, what we do, who we are.

What is more important, really, is to internally truly appreciate what we have, what we do, and who we are. And also who we are with. I truly believe I have been given all that I can ever ask for, and much more than I can ever deserve. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I am not an outwardly pious person. You don't hear me speak of God and religion as much as some. But in my heart of hearts, it is always Him that I thank.

In this time and in this world where there are so much ugliness, we all need to make a real effort to focus on the beauty. The news is depressing. It's all doom and gloom, really. The chaos in the Middle-East, natural and man-made tragedies in Japan and so many other regions, political mess in, well pretty much everywhere, financial uncertainties, the list goes on. If I may quote the Black Eyed Peas, of all people (for the record, we like the BEP ok), where is the love?

So have a good look around. Count your blessings. Appreciate the people around you. I myself, can't get over how many good, good, people God has thrown my way. To feel so loved, so cared for. What more can we ask for. Spare a thought for those who do not have what we have. Maybe that'll give us a bit of pause before we voice out our next tirade of complaints.

i love you more

"there are places I remember

all my life

though some have changed, some forever, not for better

some have gone and some remain

all these places have their moments

with lovers and friends i still can recall

some are dead and some are living

in my life

i've loved them all

but all these friends and lovers

there is no one compares with you

and these memories lose their meaning

when i think of love as something new

though i know i'll never lose affection

for people and things that went before

i know i'll often stop and think about them

in my life

i love you more"

in my life ~ the beatles

How are you feeling today?

I didn't want to blog my personal issues anymore, but I need the outlet. That was how blogging started for me anyway.

Well. After seven years of silent heartbreak, trying to conceive, we are now finally pregnant. The significance of it is beyond words. My doctor, bless him, who was thrilled, said "Yes I know all pregnancies are precious. But this, you, this is medically precious." 

So I am thankful to God. This is right. This life inside of me, is a gift. All the love I feel for that wonderful man I get to call my husband, is all bundled up into that life.

There is, unfortunately, a but. Starting from week 6, I started developing symptoms of hyperemesis gravidarum. Never even knew such a thing existed. But then, I've never paid any attention to anything pregnancy or maternity related in my whole life. So what is HG? I started off by describing it as 'an extreme form of morning sickness', but very soon realised that that was a gross understatement. Women kept saying to me oh how I had that too, I couldn't eat this or that, here's a tip on what can make you feel better {insert various home remedy} and although the nausea was terrible, chin up, it goes away, by week 12 you'll feel great. Multiple versions of that. They are all well-meaning, I know. Showing their empathy, but it only makes me feel terrible because I end up getting annoyed with them all because I just want to scream to them NO it is NOT the same and you DON'T know what it's like.

I can't tell you what it is because even the medical profession seems to have problems defining it. I have pretty much all the symptoms described in Wikipedia, except for hallucinations. Now wouldn't that be fun. What I can do is I can try to describe to you how I feel.

Imagine feeling very nauseous and on the verge of vomiting. I wake up in the morning and this is the first thing that hits me. But I don't actually vomit, not yet anyway. The feeling just stays with me all throughout the day. The whole time. Not a single respite. Add on to that an extreme sensitivity to so many triggers, mostly smell and some sights as well. I can smell things that other people can't. These things I smell can instantly kick-off a retching mechanism. When strong enough, vomit follows. It's horrible either way. The bedroom, the toilet, the kitchen. I take one step into these places, I retch. My husband - his smell that I once used to adore, now makes me go into instant vomit mode. We've tried with cologne, without cologne, new cologne, new soap. I retch. Add further on top of all that the fact that I cannot eat, barely drink. I am so hungry, sometimes when the food is in front of me I want to just gobble it all up. Frustratingly, they taste bland in my mouth, and as soon as I swallow, all the pleasure of eating is gone immediately, replaced by discomfort. So eating has to be forced, and I have not had tasted anything pleasurable since week 6. This is now week 14. All that I have been feeling, has been present (to various degrees of discomfort) for eight weeks. No breaks. I have been nauseous for eight straight weeks. Now, you tell me you know what that is like. During the day, I simply can't focus on anything. My attention span is about two minutes. My work is piling up, people are demanding this and that and I just can't do anything. Somehow, in between all of this, I have to manage a company, and work on at least three different projects at the same time. I have lost about 5 kg of my pre-pregnancy weight, which is not good, but luckily I was somewhat above my normal weight at the start. My doctor, in an attempt to offer some words of comfort said to me, "good thing you had some weight to spare at the start of it all". Couldn't help but laugh at that. At least I can still see some humour in life. Good thing I adore the guy, if someone else had said that I would have flipped. The dehydration apparently is a factor on my moods too. There are times I just start to sink down into depression and just sheer hopelessness. The worst thing though, is having to feel guilty. Everything feels terrible but there is that nagging voice at the back of my head that says I can't complain, how horrible it is of me to complain when this is all about being pregnant and that is something I should be thankful for. It's as if I have stripped myself of the right to feel bad, all self-imposed of course. By about 7 or 8 p.m. each night, the physical discomfort increases significantly and all I can do is lie down and try to watch whatever is on television. The nausea increases until midnight when I will finally have my vomit marathon, which gives me just a little bit of relief, for about half an hour after which I inevitably (and I must say gratefully) fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Then I wake up the next morning. And repeat.

There. All my hopelessness and negativity summed up in that one long paragraph. I need to get it out. It's hard when people who care, who truly are concerned, ask me (sometimes on a daily basis), how are you feeling today. And I have no answer that I can give them, unless I give them that truth that is that paragraph-ful of pessimism. I hate being so negative. I hate this vibe I currently have around me. People ask how I'm feeling and I am starting to run out of adjectives equivalent to 'horrible'. A little bit of hope is that things are not actually getting physically worse, I am the same pretty much everyday. But the same, like this, for eight weeks straight, is taking its toll. I know what you're going to say. It's what I would say. Hang on in there. It'll pass. I know that. But right now. It's horrible.

The only thing that I can accept now, is validation. Luckily H understands this. Just to be acknowledged that what I am feeling is real to me. To have others know that there really is nothing that can be done. Not ginger, not crackers by the bedside, not anything. So please spare me the tips. This is not morning sickness. My other source of validation (and some comfort) is the website helpher.org where the ladies in forum are those who are going through or have gone through exactly this. They understand. I read their stories and I get my validation.

As I was writing all that, a friend was chatting with me on Skype. Asking me how I was, and I told her a summarised version. She's HIV-positive. She's been living with HIV for a long time. How rotten I felt to be complaining to her and feeling sorry for myself. So naturally, everything's diluted down. Hide behind some poor attempt at humour. Tell people yeah I'm coping, yeah it'll be over sometime. Fake optimism.
This is why I am blogging this. I need my outlet for all the truth that is so negative.

As for my baby. I love you. I do. You are going to be worth every single day of this.

Ever heard of the village champion?

I saw this write-up about a local university's convocation ceremony and noticed the categories listed for one of the academic awards. Apparently the uni has two categories for its 'Royal Education Award' - Bumiputera and non-Bumiputera.

For the life of me, I can't see the point. The immediate implication is that a specific 'Bumiputera' category is there to ensure that a Bumi gets an award regardless of who actually tops the list. In other words, if the highest ranking Bumi is at, say, number 12, he/she would still receive an excellence award. 

Now, I have no proof to say this is the actual justification. But it sure does come across as such.

Shouldn't we be aiming to produce internationally competitive Malaysians? Don't ever expect academic institutions overseas or international employers to ever make specific allowances for the 'best Malaysian' candidate, let along a 'best Malaysian Bumiputera' one. 

Talk about crutches that create disabilities. 

The unfortunate thing is, because of this doubt that is being created about a Bumiputera's ability to top an award selection list, the recipient will always be faced with the notion that he/she would only have won it if the categories are separate. Which would be a very unfair deduction and takes away the person's right to being given the top student accolade beyond dispute. Whatever it is, everyone loses. 

  

***

Graduan UPM perlu teruskan legasi kecemerlangan 

2010/10/10 Berita Harian Online

PENERIMA Pingat Emas Alumni Aini (dari kiri) Azeqa Ma'rof, Hadiah Pingat Emas Canselor; Teng Wern Tyet, Hadiah Anugerah Pelajaran Diraja Bumiputera; Nurul Shazini Ramli, Hadiah Anugerah Diraja Bukan Bumiputera; Lau Cin Dee, pada Majlis Konvokesyen ke-34 UPM, semalam.

SERDANG: Sultan Selangor, Sultan Sharafuddin Idris Shah meminta graduan Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM) meneruskan legasi kecemerlangan universiti itu bagi menjayakan program transformasi negara bagi meraih status berpendapatan tinggi yang mantap dan menyeluruh. 

Baginda yang juga Canselor UPM, bertitah bagi mencapai hasrat itu, graduan perlu berusaha mempertajamkan minda untuk melihat fenomena secara global, merancang masa depan dengan pacuan lebih cekap dan berkesan.

***

"It's a beautiful day for the race, don't you think?"
"Race? What race?"
"The human one."

How important is the destination?

Very.

We usually set our destination before we head off on our journey, be it a literal one, or the philosophical journey of life. Well let's face it, unless you are a believer of reincarnation, this is it. Our one shot.

But here is one lesson I have learnt along the way. Once you've started your journey, it is important to always check if you still want to go where you are headed to.

Forks, detours and road blocks
As we speed along our pre-determined travel route, it is inevitable that we will encounter things that were not part of our initial plan. Choices and options that we did not know we had, would come up along the way. If we are so fixed upon the destination, it is easy to sometimes to be blindsided by these options. Somehow they become complications. I already knew what I wanted, now you're telling me it is possible to want something else? As if options are problems. They are not. Options are options. So choose.

There are also the unforeseeables (which in this plural form, is not actually a word, but oh heck). As the common Malay saying goes,
"Kita hanya mampu merancang, Tuhan yang menentukannya."

One can only plan. God decides.
The way I see it, if life presents us with so many unexpected twists and turns along the way, it is a way of reminding us to keep our destination in check. If it is truly where you are destined to go, then it will not only be worth the trouble, its value is increased so much more. Though sometimes, the message is a different one. Maybe life is telling you to go another way. It's just a matter of paying attention and reading the signs along the way.

Asking for directions
If you find yourself lost, ask for directions. Ask those you trust, those who see the world from a different point of view, as well as those who have walked down the same road before you. Except the road is really like a river. It never is exactly the same. Someone else's experiences were shaped around their choices and their views. Not forgetting how time has a funny way of changing things. So when people give you advice, listen and appraise. There may be contradicting perspectives from different people, and there may also be advice that you flat out disagree with. As Mary Schmich puts it, "be careful with whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it".
Don't go down the path of Ms Rosenberg. Even if Google Maps asks you to step onto a busy highway, you really don't have to.
Decide for yourself, and be accountable for your own decision. It is, after all, your life.

Tunnel vision
People say dream far, dream big. It is possible, however, that sometimes, dreams are self-limiting. Your dream can be the very barrier to your true potential. So even if everything is going smoothly, and you are comfortably on track to reach your destination, snap out of the tunnel vision once in a while. Take in the big picture. Explore. Step off the tracks - if you don't like what's off the beaten track, then fine, get back on it. But every so often, you'll find yourself face-to-face with possibilities beyond your initial expectations. Where would they lead you to? Something better, perhaps?

They say the journey is just as important as the destination. I don't know who they are, but they are right. Stop. Stop once in a while and enjoy the moment. Appreciate where you are right now. Because once you've moved on, you can't come back to Now. So take in all you can. Learn from all that Now and Here have got to offer you.

The myth of the finish line
In his book The 4-Hour Work Week, the author Tim Ferriss made a point about allowing yourself to not finish what you started. While I understand that T4HWW may not be everyone's cup of tea (I haven't read it myself; was only given the highlights by my husband), I think he has a point there. Occasionally, we find ourselves going through the motions doing something that we no longer take any pleasure in doing, purely because we had already started it. How many hours have we wasted reading that book that we discovered was no good at all, right since chapter two and yet forced ourselves through all twenty-seven chapters just because well, I started it I might as well finish it. By the end of the book you probably still didn't like it any better. Why not put the book down, and pick up another one?

Whenever anyone asks me about the single most important experience in my life, I tell them the story of taxi-driving lady farmer in the outskirts of Melbourne, Australia. I was going through a rough phase at that point, and she was chatty, wanted to know all the gory details. So I vented and ranted about how much stress I was under. But I kept on doing what I was doing because it was something extremely important to me; since I was a teenager, it was something I had wanted to do, to achieve. Then the cabbie, who reminded me of Magda Szubanski, had this to say:
"So what you are saying, love, is that you are a twenty-nine year old woman taking advice on how to live your life from a seventeen year old girl."
And she was absolutely spot on. Luckily for me, in this particular instance, it was still something I believed very strongly in doing so quitting was not an option. I waded through a multitude of rough patches to get to the end point, because it was worth it. But that encounter in Melbourne changed my perspective in life. Don't just continue doing something because you started it. Do it because you want to finish it.

Change is constant
Not only do circumstances around us change, there is also that one fact that few of us like to acknowledge - we change. And that need not be a bad thing. The person we are right now is most likely to be very different from who we were when we started off. In fact, the very act of embarking on this journey contributes to that change. So from time to time, be a bit introspective - review your priorities, re-assess your wants and needs, and if those have changed, then set new goals and a new direction.

In the work that I do, there is a concept known as M&E - monitoring and evaluation. And then there are Strategic Plans and Action Plans. We pay so much attention and put in so much effort in ensuring the success of our organisations and projects, surely our lives deserve all that and more. Be strategic about where you are headed, and set clear action plans for yourself. But always remember what they say about change - it is the only constant thing in life. So monitor continuously, and every so often, evaluate.

Oh, and one last thing; there is no such thing as being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be.
The question is; where you will go next.