The Fourth Year Quitter

Have noticed a trend in my commitment tendencies. I last four years. With the exception of the marriage, that is.

This seems to be true for most of my significant endeavours. After four years, I quit, or things conveniently come to a conclusion.

Studies in the UK. 4 years.
PhD. 4 years.
Employment at the university. Officially 8, but time actually spent at the uni, 4 years.

And now, as I approach the first year of working as an HIV consultant, I am revising my 5-year plan, to a 4-year plan.

While I like how things are working out for me now - the flexibility, the exposure, networking, challenging projects and assignments, and most of all the independence to pave my own way, I am getting more and more discouraged by the environment I work in.

I want to say that there is too much politics in HIV, but everyone will tell me there's too much politics in everything. Sure, point taken. But I do think that along with organisational and personal politics, there are too much emotional stakes, aggressive activism, and just too many personalities.

I think at the moment, I want to separate what I do as a living, and what I do as my passion. Because I am finding myself losing what I thought was passion for HIV research. It just gets drowned in the sea of bickering, sensitivities and various agendas. I am not cut out for a life of swimming through those. In this past year, I have had to always watch what I say. Always biting my tongue. Who I liaise with. What people say (and what they really think). Whose toes not to step on, whose backs to rub. I have been blacklisted. I have received nasty emails (and yes, one that arrived this morning is the trigger to this post.) Yet all I want to do is my job.

There. Wasn't easy to admit that I am losing my passion for working on HIV. This is a field made up of people who are committed, dedicated, and passionate. Yet the vibe is just so negative. I am not cut out for negative vibes - they hurt. Now I just want to do it as a job, and there doesn't seem to be any room for people who just want to do their jobs.

So I'll do this for four years. Because I think I am good at what I do and I can contribute in some little way. Because I do need to give back to society what society has given me. Because it is an income. Because maybe there is a chance that I can make some change.

But after four years, I will re-assess. I'm not promising I'll quit, but at least I will seriously re-assess whether it is time to explore other options. I have options.

But seriously, life is just too short to fight other people's causes.