Tell me it'll be alright

Just an hour ago, I was too stressed, too overwhelmed with work that I couldn't sleep. It gets like that for me from time to time. I find myself boxed in and unable to see the way out. Tonight I decided to ask for help. That was all it took, asking for help. S-O-S-ed my work supervisor and plainly told him I'm overwhelmed, I need to vent, so we Skyped. Just a short talk, go over things rationally, and voila, I feel ok again. I can breathe. It's not the end of the world.

There is one other stress factor right now. Separation anxiety. After one full year of always being in A's life, full-time, I am going to have to leave him behind for two weeks. It's breaking my heart but I'm trying not to think too much about it. Just do it, get it over with and come back to him when I'm done.
At least I know I can say that for the first year of his life, I have been fully present.
We'll be fine.
I'll be fine.

I've decided. Working just doesn't suit me. Haha. A major career change is in the horizon, me thinks.

Remember You

In the sea of birthday wishes that I am receiving today, an email came in.

It's from me.

Gosh. I can't remember when I did that. It was years ago. Some software/website that I stumbled upon that lets you write a message to yourself that will be sent to you, in the future. Well apparently my future is now. I received that message from myself and here's what it said:

Have you forgotten who you are and who you wanted to be? I hope not. You wanted to be good and to do good. You wanted to be happy.
On this day, you were lonely. You had a lot that belonged to you, a lot that you can be proud of. You had love. But you weren't whole.
Are you now? I hope so. I really do hope so.
And in case you have forgotten - you are good. 

I don't remember when that was, where was I and what was going on in my life then. But I'd like to say thank you to that person, for caring enough to look ahead and remind me to remember myself. If I could reply to my old self, I'd say simply that no, I haven't forgotten, and yes, I am happy.

Validation

I love how God knows what you need long before you do, and every so often, He responds to you in a way that feels very personal, very direct.

I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed with work. The sheer volume and urgency of it had been building up, and last night I stopped for a moment and had the thought, "I'm about to drown".
It was that quiet, eerily clear instant - just as you are about to slip and go under.

Then this email came in. I don't normally put things that are work-related online, or anything that involves others. But the timing of this email, and the personal nature of it (from a major client/collaborator who had, up till now, been all business), is priceless to me.

Oh the timing was exquisite. It was just that little push that I needed to stay afloat. Just to be acknowledged. Just to know I am not alone. And of course, validation.

The email:

K - 
Just wanted to say that I and many others are acknowledging the amazing efforts you are putting into the [work]. We do not know how you do it all and it is all very good quality. Thanks and keep up the good work! I am worried that you are becoming over-burdened and that the load is too stressful. Please do advise and push back if that is the case. 
D. 

Closure

2012 is turning out to be a year of closures.

People from my past seem to be coming forward, making their presence felt again. People I wanted out of my life.

But they came back.
One settled a debt. Another made amends. And the last moved on.

I forgive.
and that frees me.

Nothing that the rain can't fix

It has been raining all day.
The kind of rain I love. But then again, I love all kinds of rain.
Today, it's soft and gentle. You won't even notice it unless you look out the window.
Soft and gentle is perfect for the soul.
Soft and gentle feeds the soul the strength it needs.

All will be right.

If ever again

I had forgotten.
Then I was reminded.
So now I hurt all over again.


Some scars take a long time to heal. If ever at all. Even after years and years, one or two remain raw.

Somewhere deep in my heart I made a promise to myself last night. I don't even know if I want to keep that promise. It wasn't one I made with my head. It was one my heart made for me. Perhaps those are the most important promises of all.

This is the promise my heart made for me last night:
If there is ever a one more time, it will be for me.
No idealisms.
No sacrifices.
No expectations.
No conditions.
No guilt.


It really is a sad thing, to be sad in your heart. It is a cold, lonely place, sadness. Especially this particular kind of sad. The quiet one. It just sits there inside of you, like a pebble at the bottom of a pool.
It's just there.

Narcissus

Hmm. My narcissism score.
http://personality-testing.info/tests/NPI.php


Authority 25%
Self-sufficiency 17%
Superiority 60%
Exhibitionism 14%
Exploitativeness 20%
Vanity 33%
Entitlement 67%

Hurt

My heart is getting softer by the day. Now I am watching War Horse and it is just killing me.

War. Pain. Suffering. Cruelty.

Enough already.

countdown to September!

Chris is 'dropping by' the neighbourhood. I wonder if Gwyneth is coming along. Perhaps she'd come over for tea? 

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me you questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start 

The Scientist - Coldplay

The mentality of the mob

I have always been extremely sensitive; and this has often been evident whenever I watch films or read books. The realistic portrayal of human emotions, life and people (and animals and creatures of fiction, for that matter) can sometimes bring out very real emotions and reactions.

We were watching John Adams, the 2008 miniseries about the lawyer, politician and eventual second president of the United States of America. In the first episode, there is a most shocking scene depicting a mob cruelly subjecting a man to what is known as 'tarring and feathering'. It is a horrific act of public humiliation.


Here's a quote from an article in The New York Sun (2008):

In the first episode of HBO's "epic seven-part miniseries event" "John Adams," one of the most riveting scenes occurs at Boston Harbor, when a customs inspector or informant challenges John Hancock (Justin Theroux) for evading the taxes imposed by the British. "Teach him a lesson, tar the bastard," Hancock commands a mob, which proceeds to do exactly that to the poor accessory of the crown. This being HBO, there's a glimpse of full frontal nudity that is promptly drenched with hot tar. Hancock looks on, as do John Adams (Paul Giamatti) and his cousin Samuel (Danny Huston). "God, Sam, that's barbarism," John cries to his cousin, who stands silent. "Do you approve of this? Answer me, Sam, can you?"

I was so shocked I actually cried out and was in tears for a good while after. There is just something about witnessing another's humiliation that pulls at the strings of my heart. Often, this is more so when it is a man, for some reason. Even if it were some evil and cruel man. Subjecting another to humiliation, in my opinion, is one of the worst acts of mankind. Because I think a person's dignity and self-worth are sacred. To take those away - worst, to take pleasure in taking away a person's dignity and self-worth, is just absolutely deplorable. The sad thing is, it happens and it happens often. Bullying in schools. Mistreatment of prisoners and detainees. Domestic abuse. Child abuse - dear God there is nothing worse than child abuse. The mere thought of such cruelty cuts through me like a knife.

It is all amplified when such actions are conducted through the mindless force of the mob, driven purely by 'the moment' and each darkness of the heart being fuelled by others, feeding off one another's mania. They call it mob mentality, but there is nothing cerebral about it. It exposes the deepest darkest core of the human soul and it is ugly.